Wellbutrin SR

A month or so ago, I weaned myself off of Zoloft. I was on 100mg a day for a few years. The only real difference I noticed was short-lived. I felt peppy and positive for, oh... 2 weeks or so.

So I had to go to the doctor to adjust and get more of my blood pressure medication; and I also wanted a prescription for anxiety relief. I had been on 0.5mg of Xanax for a few years too. (My overwhelming anxiety when  dealing with normal problems was going through the roof again). So, she did both of these things and also prescribed 300mg of Wellbutrin SR a day. She said it can help with appetite.

In looking up lots about Wellbutrin since, that makes perfect sense. People are put on it for underlying depression and it also helps people quit smoking and drinking... So it makes perfect sense - that if it helps with addiction cravings - it would help with overeating  - if food is your drug of choice.

Also, with Zoloft - many people actually feel the need to engage in their addictions more so. I can definitely say that Zoloft did nothing for my appetite and actually did increase my desire to drink and eat and by the end of it - while my anxiety was lessened - my depression had gone from low-grade to, well, pretty bad. Lack of motivation, fatigue, isolation, hopelessness, random crying... Ah, well... you know what depression is like.

I can happily say that after less that a week on Wellbutrin, I've lost 3 pounds and my motivation to get things done has definitely resurfaced. Tasks don't seem as overwhelming as usual. My desire to make art seems to be coming back which is an important part of who I am. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride, and DAMN, I needed that.

Also, in direct opposition to most SSRI's, many have seen an increase in their sex drive while on this drug. Of course, mine was never bad. But then again, I could go a couple of weeks without masturbating and not think twice about it. Just 3 or 4 years ago, it was a daily event... sometimes multiple times a day. So, hell... maybe it was an issue...

Of course, we'll see if it continues to work. A lot of times the drastic differences experienced during the initial introduction of an anti-depressant mellow out to a happy medium... or OK medium, at least.

My love life is great as well, which has certainly helped me feel better overall... But I realized this time around with depression - that it has nothing to do with how happy the person makes me. I'm always happy around this guy. I feel that he is good for me because he brings out the good and the happy and the intellectual in me. But I also found myself crying sometimes for NO reason when I was alone - which made it very obvious that this is MY problem and can't be fixed by food or a person or anything else. Though that seems pretty logical - it's the first time I've felt that (knowing and feeling/doing are two very different things). So, hopefully that will be of significant help to me and in paving the way for a healthy relationship. That revelation comes in most handy in the fact that our relationship is open.

Oh, and if you're reading this - I love you ;)

Off to work!

Not even sure this makes any sense. My brain is half-asleep :-P

The taste and texture of lusty, swooning pop songs is far more pleasing to my palate when I'm feeling love personally. As if, before, my ears could only identify that the flavor was simply sweet.  But when the palate is prepped by a pumping heart, the ear drum trembles along with the low, chocolaty beats; smooth, round, soft yet robust. Sweet but hearty. The treble trilling suddenly seems not shrill but tart and tooth-achingly sugary; an acidic sharp warbling in my jaw. The soft background tones that were once drowned out and faded are still subtle but far more identifiable and enjoyable. They're dewy, moist, and soft like cotton. Slightly sweet but stable and ever-present.

Random Talk.

Enjoy the music while you read...

http://youtu.be/iTHWQSfaFLA

I'm really into Ke$ha  right now. I have no excuses... I'm an adult and it makes no sense. Also... I might listen to shit - but at least I can recognize it...

 "You should know
That I love you a lot
But I just can't date a dude with a vag"

Thanks Ke$ha...Thanks for reinforcing those gender roles and singing an embarrassing, piece-of-shit song...

It's catchy though.

I hate celebrity Christmas albums. I've heard those old songs enough. And the old versions were better because they were antiquated and cozy and reminiscent of a past that we have colored in much warmer tones than it was originally painted.

I'm in Zoloft withdrawals. It's pretty awful. It feels like electric zaps in your head. I felt fine for awhile after having sex... I realized that I probably blasted a bunch of serotonin into my neural pathways... Brain chemistry is so crazy.

BTW... And I'm sure he'll feel proud if he reads it... I am having the best sex of my life.   I'm imagining your applause... And I am waving my hands in that Hollywood, "Oh!, You simply mustn't! It is MY honor!" way.

It's been hood fever at work. What I mean by "hood" has nothing to do with gold teeth and fat booties... I mean clitoral hoods... and "work" (it should always have the quotation marks, honestly) involves shoving needles through them. I love my job... But it's an odd place to be in your late 20's. Or any age, probably...

"So what do you do?"

"Oh! How kind of you to ask! I STAB PEOPLES' GENITALS."*

I'm exhausted... But Luchini needs to be out of his crate for a few hours... And I didn't get home until 2:20...

I got tattooed at work today. We've got 2 apprentices and I'm letting them both do little banger tattoos (that's what we call small, quick ones) on me. In actuality... only one of them has tattooed me... twice... but the other will have a go soon.   Anyway... It's a toad/frog sitting on a mushroom with an umbrella. It makes no sense but it's soooo cute!!!

People, don't take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive.

I read that at the post office... It was someone's desk accessory.   Honestly, a bit morbid... Better hope they don't go postal. I know personally that the guy was into some pretty crazy metal like "Disturbed"

I am being completely sarcastic. Actual scary bands usually start from Norway or Denmark.

No. really. Wiki pedia "Mayhem" the band. Craziness.

I'vebeen osessively watching Parks and Recreation. It's the office. Except way better. Ron Swanson is my new hero.

Ok. Well, I'm tired...




*among other things

Another Day, Another Dollar...

I have a job that is the penultimate of cool... if you're 21 or under anyway... In reality, it's only kind of cool.

I have found that piercing clientele stays relatively around the same age as I get older. It's such a strange disconnect... I've made Tupac references that teens didn't get in the slightest.  And piercing the nipples/genitals of people almost 10 years younger than me makes me feel slightly like a pedophile.

I pierced a 10-yr-old boy's ears today. I love piercing kids that haven't entered puberty. I don't know what it is about puberty that makes teens so incredibly dramatic (especially females) but the younger kids sit great, listen attentively, and really seem to understand that it will hurt but only for a second and that in order to have the piercing, that's just something they have deal with.

Oh, but you damn teen girls, you! They start menstruating and suddenly start asking if it's going to hurt about 5 different times - in various different ways... like a personality test that really wants the true answers. They start texting, squealing, being indecisive, crying, and saying to each other, "If you do it, I'll do it.... your mom is going to KILL you!" and generally annoying me. What changes? I'm guessing gender socialization.

So, the 10 year old was amazing and funny. This kid could probably sell me on having kids, he was that cool. I've only met a handful of kids like that. On the other hand... 9pm rolls around (we close at 10) and three teen girls roll up. Now, I have a completely irrational anger when it come to folks who come in during the last hour of business. I say irrational because it doesn't irritate me so much as it infuriates me - which is unjustified since I'll be making at least $20 off the person... But it is what it is... my pet peeve...

So anyway, this girl takes 20 minutes of indecision and whining in a 5 year old's voice about how scared she is before she even decides to get pierced. So irrationally, I wanted to choke her out.

It ended up being fine. She was so excited afterwards... just a ball of squeals and giggles...she even hugged me... which people do from time to time...It's an interesting aspect of having a very intimate type of service job. That, and videos and pictures. Small town rock star, they say about being in the industry.


I'm on day 6 of 12 consecutive days of work. I really don't mind. Fridays and Saturdays are rough because they're back to back and ten hours each, but I've worked much longer hours. As with any customer service position (and that is A TON of my job)... it's super easy to get burned out. But I long ago passed that point... and now you have to do everything short of punching me to get me to be VISIBLY annoyed.  It's kinda like being so hungry that it hurts and then it just stops and you're fine... not hungry at all.

My job has LOTS of positives though. I get to look how I want to look, say what I want to say, and generally be immature and vulgar with my co-workers who are more like family than anything else. One of my co-workers and I actually joke about being brother and sister... since we're both Hitler-quality white (blonde, pale, light eyes, thin hair... the whole sha-bang) and we're both total pervs. Count on US to make it uncomfortable.

So... I'm complaining, and yet, not really.

Luchini is staying with my friend, Jenny, since yesterday morning until tomorrow evening. With me working so many days in a row - and with Fri & Sat being so long - I wanted him to have doggy playtime and not be stuck in his crate ALL the time. And also - I need some downtime. Puppies are remarkably stressful sometimes. Props to you guys with kids (I have no clue how you're surviving).

I started watching "The Walking Dead" on Netflix. I'm not even into zombies but this show is GREAT. You should definitely check it out.

And that's all really. Kind of a random, disjointed post... but whatever :-P

It's Early.

Got up to let the dog out. He's eating now, so I'm just letting him chow down for a bit before we go back to bed.

Work was slow yesterday until about 5pm. Then, as always, the three piercings I did in all of yesterday came in at the same time. One girl got her tongue pierced and it was a family event. Everyone in the family - or at least all the women - shared a particular trait for loud enthusiasm and general spaciness (which is saying something coming from me). It was a particular mixture that was overwhelming for me. They're nice enough though. Just really intense.

I'm working the next 10 days straight. I'm covering the weekend... Being that we've had a prolonged slow period, and that I perform a service frequented by teens and young adults, the weekends are where the serious money is at. So, what I'm saying is that I'm glad I'm working more.

I feel like my thoughts are coming together poorly. Then again... it IS really early for me to try to be thinking at all, let alone writing the thoughts down in a cohesive manner...

It's time for bed... again.

New Photo of Embroidery

First try on a large piece.... Pretty damn good, if I do say so, myself... Progress to follow...

Quotes from Old Journals - #1

 - I don't remember the twists and turns I've made on this journey having any rhyme or reason, or having any distinct causes. / Things happened. I changed. Life evolved. I sometimes wish that there was a better explanation - so I could offer apologies - and warnings to those around me. A warning label: I am flammable - I don't know anymore than you what will spark me into flames or what I will consume.  I don't know the range of my fire or the course I might take./ The wind may make me drift. I may destroy what I had no intention of harming. I may consume you.
I'm sorry.


-All of this shit is waiting to come screaming out of me. It's lying in wait just below the surface of what seems calm and placid. But it's waiting... knowing that release is imminent... Destruction possible.

 - There is something  really disheartening about her alarm clock going off in the morning. I hate it when she has to pull these 14 hour days. / She'll get up and get dressed and the entire time - I'll watch her... The computer light shines pale blue on her white skin - and she looks amazing. She gets this glow about her in the morning - her face just looks rested.

- If you listen really closely to southerners - you can hear the remnants of what used to be an English accent. / But over generations, it evolved - and changed into something different. And not necessarily better. / Everything changes - within groups of people - within individuals - and the structure of cities. And not always a change for the better. / At the end of us - you could hear the remnants of a partnership (a real, working one) in our voices. But only the remnant - that's all I could hear. / I know things have to change. I know that nothing lasts forever. But I don't want to hear that empty echo when I talk to you. I don't want change in that direction. But I do want to change. /  Too bad that beggars can't be choosers.

An old poem... about an even older ex...

Your winter hands
fresh from the cold
touching my ribs
like cold rain on
a hot tin roof
dripping their way
down my body
my earthquake thighs
and mushroom-cloud hips
eroding away the sins
of catastrophe.
A moment of fluidity
and soft
between cataclysmic calamities
of life, melting
our bodies of land
into one magnificent era,
during which our planets align
and every cell is a happy
citizen of our bodies...

Embroidery Obsession

Started this yesterday and haven't been able to put it down. I'm learning some new stitches as I go. I'm pretty pleased with the outcome so far. I certainly have plenty to learn still.

Losing the Blogger V-Card

I have about 15 minutes to write this before work... But it feels silly to create the blog and leave it empty.

I have been embroidering and listening to my 6-mth-old puppy bark at my cats and display general insanity.

My love status is complicated these days with two "friends-with-benefits" but no relationship (read: great sex but generally lonely).

I'm still young at 27 but due to what I can only imagine to be the culture of the southeast, I feel a bit like a spinster.

This is point where I have to leave you, as sparse as this entry may be... Off to work... which for me involves poking holes in people and leaving pieces of metal in said puncture wounds.  And during much more of the day, standing around and bullshitting with my friends/co-workers.

More to come later...